I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
