Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
