Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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