Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
