Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
