i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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