Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
