I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
