I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
