Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
