My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
