i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
