I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
