the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
