Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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