respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
