I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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