I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
