stop calling my apartment porn island.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
