Reggie can tackle my bush.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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