I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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