Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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