Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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