For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
