He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
