i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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