If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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