I want to stick my p in your. b.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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