I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
