so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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