3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
