please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
