I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
