you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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