I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
