My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
