How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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