I am in a vortex of obligation.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My vagina is officially offended.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
