Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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