Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
