"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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