I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
