Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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