At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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