my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
