FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
