make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
