i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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