You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
