"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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