our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
