That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
