She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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