I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
