drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
