I could make wine with my vomit
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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