I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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