I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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