i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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